Matchmakers
by paynesgrey
Summary: Sesshoumaru's parents were meddling in his sex life again. Did this stupid wench really think she could dominate him? And she was ugly to boot. SesshoumaruYura. Oneshot. Satire.


Written for iyflashfic on Livejournal at qemchibati's request.

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Matchmakers

Bound in chains and wrapped in a magical tarp that sealed his youki, Sesshoumaru groaned unhappily and scoffed that this gesture was so typical, always unexpected, but so very, very typical.

And one these days he was going to maim his father for always subjecting him to this sort of treatment – maybe take off an arm or leg.

He certainly didn't deserve it, and it didn't help that his parents were always pestering him to find a nice female demon and settle down. His mother was particularly interested in grandchildren – lots of them.

Sesshoumaru leaned against the shoji door in the room where he had been thrown. The room was covered in darkness, and even though his senses were numbed by the mystical restraints, he could still sense someone there, but he could not make out a shape in the shadows. He only assumed a female was there.

There always was.

He sighed, hearing his parents chattering outside the door to the room.

"Do you think he'll be all right? I heard those hair demons are quite unpredictable," his mother whispered with worry.

"Now, now, dear, he'll be just fine. A little exercise between future mates makes things interesting!" his father chuckled. "Maybe this time he'll finally lose his virginity!" His mother coughed back a snigger, and the two of them stood there, stifling giggles and waiting to hear something interesting come from inside the room.

Sesshoumaru felt nauseous. Not only were the enchanted purifying restraints giving him a headache, but also he really didn't enjoy the fact that his parents were discussing his sex life.

Nor did he like the fact that they were waiting outside the door.

Not that he was going to allow anything to happen. He didn't care who this female was or what kind of beauty she possessed; he hated the way his parents had forced him to meet potential mates. He wanted to be able take this matter at his own pace.

Actually, he was only about 300 years old. He was still young and had plenty of youth left.

But, they persisted, in a most unhealthy way, to fix him up constantly with allies' daughters or the princesses of fief lords whom they had sacked and then had acquired their land.

The first set up had been disastrous; she had been an ice demon from a cat tribe, and he despised cats more than anything else, but his father had insisted he give her a good pouncing.

He remembered the conversation clearly, as if it was a poisonous hot stone wedged in his memory. His father had patted him on the shoulder, grinned deviously, and then bent down and whispered in his ears:

"Now I know she's a cat demon, and her father was an outright devil, but look at her." He pointed to the girl, tied up in the dungeon presented to him like a gift. She glared at both demons and growled as she struggled in her restraints. "She's quite pretty, and feisty. I bet she's feisty at other things, too, if you know what I mean." He held out his hands in a scooping motion and then added. "Besides, she has HUGE …" he glanced over at Sesshoumaru who had a bored look on his face. He put down his hands. "Ahem…she has huge, beautiful eyes. Look, my son. She could be the one." Then his father had winked at him.

Not to long afterwards, the games began and he was restrained as he was now, thrown at the cat demon's feet, and gift wrapped for his wedding night.

It had not been a pleasurable night.

The bitch had tried to freeze him -- certain parts of his body as a matter of fact. Before she could totally destroy any chances of him having future descendants, his mother had stepped in and saved him.

But there were other times when his parents did not save him and that they would just let the females carry on with him. And from all of it, he was starting to develop a fear to getting intimate with females altogether.

"Kinda quiet, aren't you Mr. Dog Prince?" a female voice in the shadows called out. Sesshoumaru's jog down memory lane was suddenly interrupted, and from the tone of the woman's voice, he was sure he would have yet another memory to add to the list.

"Well I don't blame you," she stepped into the light. "Men are usually speechless when they see my uncanny beauty."

Then he looked at her, up and down, and then down and up. He had to hold back a laugh.

Her looks were positively mediocre.

He looked at her placidly and muttered. "But you are so ugly. Maybe they were just too kind to hurt your feelings." He looked into the girl's furious eyes and felt satisfaction. He didn't care if he was tied up. If anyone had the biggest ego in the room, it was he, and Sesshoumaru wasn't about to step down from his podium for her.

"Aren't you a comedian? I can't see why your parents have to tie you up and force you to meet with women. You're not much of a charmer," she countered, but by the way she was looking at him, he couldn't find truth in her words.

She was eyeing him like a huge slab of man-meat, and Sesshoumaru was sure he'd seen her lick her lips.

What could he say? He was never one to disappoint in the looks department.

As she ogled him, Sesshoumaru started to get bored and then ignored her. He shifted in his seat, trying desperately to get the restraints off of him. He had once been successful at getting them off another time before, but that had only been when his life had been in danger. He was hoping that he was a little more skilled with escaping by now that it would be easier for him.

Suddenly, as he thought he felt his right arm wedge painfully loose underneath the purifying chains, he heard his visitor chuckle again.

"It's not a good idea to move around, you know," she said, watching him closely. He continued to ignore her, finding her even more unworthy of his ears.

"I mean, you're safer in those chains then you are out in the open."

Her words hit a nerve, and he scoffed, "Don't be silly. You could never do anything to me."

"He does speak!" she announced. "By the way, don't you want to know my name?"

"I do not care. Once I am free, I will never see you again…hopefully," he said continuing to struggle.

"Oh, you think so? Well, don't you want to know the name of the beautiful lady that's going to extract all that lovely hair from your head?" she chuckled as he finally stopped struggling in his spot and glared at her.

"What the devil are you going on about?" Sesshoumaru said, shifting slowly in his position, enduring the pain from the chains as he started to gain some ground on getting out of his bindings. He heard metal clatter as it started to shift over him. He drew her attention away from his bindings and acted interested in her story.

"Yes, you see; not only do I want to marry you, but also I wish to harvest your lovely hair." She pulled out a knife and began to study it, playing with the reflections of light on the blade.

Now he was interested. If there was one thing that bothered him more than anything, it was when someone had the audacity to touch his hair, and he wouldn't let some stupid twit like this get her grubby hands on it. He hated the fact that she was even talking about touching his hair.

"Who are you?" he hissed, his anger rising from the audacity of her superior behavior. He was heir the Western Lands and son of the most powerful Inu Youkai in Japan. How dare this little witch treat him like her slave?

"My name is Princess Yura of the Hair Demon tribe. Your father ransacked our kingdom, killed my father, and took me here to be your bride. At first, I didn't mind being your bride. I'd heard you were handsome, but the fact that you called me ugly without ever getting to know me is unforgivable. Now, I want to marry you and kill you for your hair. It will make an excellent addition to my collection," she laughed wickedly at him, enjoying his seething expression.

Sesshoumaru growled at her, and then with a quick motion, he freed himself of his restraints. He made a motion to get up, but she clucked her tongue at him and wagged a warning finger.

"I wouldn't move, my dear." Yura looked around the room and seemed to smile at nothing. "You can't see it, but I've woven a nice, deadly web around this room. Take one wrong step and you could be cut into little cubes."

He gritted his teeth at her and then glared.

"Don't believe me?" She gave him a dangerous, seductive smile. "Take a step and see what happens."

Sesshoumaru didn't want to give into her games, but he would have to move eventually if he were to leave this room. He took a step forward, and he winced as something pricked at his cheek. He smelled his own blood trickling from the small scratch.

Then his companion laughed, seemingly proud of herself and confident that she was in control.

Sesshoumaru almost laughed. There was no way this pitiful creature would get the best of him. If anyone was in control here, it was he.

He smirked wickedly. She seemed confused, wondering why he would smile when he obviously could not see the deadly web and virtually was the weaker opponent.

But what she didn't know was that Sesshoumaru didn't need to see her stupid web in order to defeat her.

"I will not marry you, and you will not touch my hair. You disgust me, wench, and you would be smart to leave now and desist these games before I take your head!" Sesshoumaru lashed, and Yura seemed taken aback.

"You! You odious fiend! How dare you speak to me like that?" She made a motion with her hands, and suddenly, he felt very constricted, as if a thousand sticky strands were closing him in a cocoon. He stood there, assessing the situation and groaning at his utter annoyance at her games.

"This ends now," he said, as she continued to wrap him in her cocoon of hair. She lifted her chin in the air confidently as if she didn't believe his bluff. She actually thought she could dominate him.

'What a fool.'

And suddenly she winched audibly in pain. He heard her scream, clutching at the air for her strings. She looked at him, noticing that the cocoon around him was glowing green and deteriorating. Soon, he became visible again, his face stoic and not smirking at all at his victory.

As the poison spread, she could finally see her web of deceit as it was outlined in the darkness by his thick poison, burning in a green hiss and then collapsing.

"You are not worthy to be my mate and don't ever think that you were," he lashed at her, and she fell to her knees in defeat as the web of her hair was completely destroyed. He walked over to her, and she looked up at him with fear swirling in her eyes but bitterness on the tip of her tongue.

"You horrible, wicked scoundrel!" she screamed at him, weakly slashing her arms at him in defense. He did not move as she struck him, and finally, to silence her screaming and halt her punches, he reached his hand down and snapped her neck.

He studied her broken form on the floor, and he caught glance of a shiny red comb in her hair that reflected brightly in the moonlight. He was disappointed to see that the comb was the only thing that had been beautiful about her.

----

His father shook his head as his mate walked by his side, her lips molded into a permanent frown.

"I knew that was going to be another bad one," he sighed, carrying Yura's body wrapped in some dusty robes. They walked through the forest toward the Bone Eater's Well ready to dispose of the body.

"I think we should just give up," his mate sighed, scratching her head. "Maybe we're forcing him too much. If we give him a chance to work at his own pace, perhaps he'll find someone nice and of his own liking." Sesshoumaru's mother responded hopefully.

Sesshoumaru's father turned to his wife with a horrified look on his face. "And have him bring home a human --- or worse, a man?

"No, we stick to the plan. I think there's a nice tribe of wolves in the north that has a couple of females ripe for mating. I could go in, rough a few people up, and steal all their women for him." Her husband gave her a hopeful grin, and then she rolled her eyes.

"I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I think that if we continue to do this to him, he'll hate us and never find a woman. I'll die before I see any grandchildren," Sesshoumaru's mom said while sobbing in her hands.

Finally, Sesshoumaru's father heaved Yura's body into the dry old well, and then he walked over to comfort his depressed wife.

"There, there. It'll be all right. What's the worse that could happen?" She looked at him with slight dread. "Give him a little credit, dear. He's handsome and sure to find a beautiful lady eventually. It's not like he's going to end up with some ugly toad demon for a mate, right?"

She froze, feeling a wave of nausea swim in her stomach, and then she let out a quick sob and gave him an angry glare. "How can you even say _that_!"

THE END


End file.
